January 2006 Mercurial Boston Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez vetoes a trade to the Mets, but says he promises to come up with a new trade demand by next June. Angered Baltimore shortstop Miguel Tejada vetoes a trade to the Cubs after hearing that Dusty Baker said, "Pound for pound, Neifi Perez is the best shortstop in the game."
February 2006 The remaining unsigned free agents start scrambling to find a roster slot for the coming season. Kansas City GM Allard Baird thinks he has scored a coup by signing Roger Clemens, but realizes that it was just Scott Erickson forging his name on the contract. Baird decides to pay Erickson $17 million for the season out of embarrassment.
March 2006 The World Baseball Classic concludes in San Diego. Australian Trent Durrington hits a walkoff grand slam against a South African reliever, Gerry de Groot, who was rounded up off of a semipro league in Temecula, California. The man qualified for the South African team after being able to answer the question: "Is South Africa in the north, east, west or south part of Africa." De Groot answers correctly in fewer than three guesses to earn a South African passport.
April 2006 The National League opens its 131st season of play. Mets first baseman Julio Franco says he hasn't been this excited over Opening Day since the 1895 Pittsburgh at Louisville opener. The New York Yankees open the season with five straight West Coast night games, so the New York media determines that the games don't count. The Yankees play their home opener on April 11 against Kansas City with a 1-0 record, counting only their day game win over the Angels on April 9.
May 2006 The major rebuilding efforts in Toronto, Flushing, and Los Angeles fail to provide immediate dividends. The New York media flays Omar Minaya in a literal sense. The Los Angeles media goes out with Ned Colletti for drinks and says "It's Frank McCourt's fault." The lone Toronto writer blames NHL official Kerry Fraser.
June 2006 ESPN.com baseball columnist Jayson Stark is fired after being unable to fill a column after finding out that both Rich Donnelley and Doug Glanville have changed their phone numbers. Another editor then reads Stark's "Useless Information" column and says to himself "Man, this really is useless. Who cares if Jose Molina hit a triple after not hitting a double for two weeks?"
July 2006 The baseball world celebrates another All-Star Game. The Midsummer Classic is played in Pittsburgh's scenic PNC Park. To highlight baseball's "steroid-free" era, the home run hitting contest is replaced by a slap hitter contest. Juan Pierre and Scott Podsednik duel for five hours hitting flares to the opposite field before the contest is called off because the Jim Tracy Rhetorical Question Showdown is supposed to start.
August 2006 The pennant races heat up. The Atlanta Braves, playing Andruw and Chipper Jones and six kids called up from Richmond, pull out to a 2-game lead in the NL East. In a desperate attempt to get back in the race, Mets GM Omar Minaya tries to work out a waiver deal for half of the Philadelphia Phillies team. Giants GM Brian Sabean trades three minor league prospects to the Mets for Julio Franco. Cubs GM Jim Hendry says that he has only one untouchable on his roster and his name is Neifi Perez. Roger Clemens comes out of retirement to beat up Scott Erickson.
September 2006 The season draws to a close and the "steroid-free" era in baseball sees the leaders in home runs in each league hit a paltry 45 home runs. In a stunning bit of deja vu, the Padres, Cardinals, Astros, Braves, Yankees, Red Sox, White Sox, and Angels all make the playoffs. The Dodgers lose a crucial game when manager Grady Little keeps Odalis Perez in the game for an extra inning against the Padres, despite Perez being so tired that he had to lie down on the mound between pitches to regain his strength.
October 2006 The playoffs begin and FOX announces that Tim McCarver will not be available to be an analyst because of minor throat surgery. Ratings soar and people don't care who actually goes on to win the World Series. FOX ceaselessly promotes its new TV show about a gruff doctor who teaches in an urban high school and has a father who is the district attorney.
November 2006 Postseason awards are handed out. Albert Pujols finishes second in NL MVP voting despite batting .330, having a .450 OBP, hitting 43 home runs and leading his team to the playoffs. Instead the award goes to Neifi Perez of the Cubs, who does a lot of things that don't show up in the boxscore. And in games when Perez's name doesn't show up in the boxscore, the Cubs play .750 ball.
December 2006 Free agents all over baseball change teams. Yankees GM Brian Cashman, feeling that his team lost in the playoffs because it lacked a right-handed reliever who could throw hard and pitch in the sixth inning against Vladimir Guerrero, offers Guillermo Mota a 2-year, $20 million contract. The Red Sox, upset at another of their players being poached by the Yankees, retaliate by signing Tanyon Sturtze to a 3-year, $35 million contract. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays offer any free agent signing with them two new iPODs as a bonus, one of which will be preloaded with Rocco Baldelli's playlists.