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Dead to me and On notice lists
2006-07-26 09:07
by Bob Timmermann

In a homage to my favorite part of the Colbert Report, I present to you my "Dead to Me" and "On Notice" lists regarding baseball and other matters (although I will leave out politics so we doesn't get too heated.)
Dead to Me:

  • Frank Robinson
  • Russ Ortiz I am trying to move on with my life Ted Leitner
  • Tom Goodwin The Milwaukee Brewers St. Louis Cardinals fans Mets fans
  • Delino DeShields Roger Kahn
  • Kevin Malone
  • Bill Plaschke
  • Jim Bowden Jose Guillen
  • Teams that don't wear gray on the road (unless they wear powder blue)
  • Pitted fruits Joe Buck
  • Brussels sprouts
  • Rodney Peete Verizon Mobile Web Service Bob Brenly

On Notice:

  • Brett Tomko Odalis Perez Larry Bowa The Habsburg Dynasty
  • Ozzie Guillen George Washington University Juan Pierre
  • Joe Morgan
  • The "state" of Delaware Roger Kahn The NFL Draft
  • Red Sox fans Luis Gonzalez
  • People who complain about Danys Baez "Team chemistry"
  • Jim Tracy The Caray Family
  • Turbo Tax Tech Support Epson printers The Brennaman Family
  • The Los Angeles MTA Jimmy Clausen
  • Matt Vasgersian
  • Gary Cohen University of Arizona football fans


Feel free to add any. Just keep it clean and keep politicians out of it.

Comments (95)
Show/Hide Comments 1-50
2006-02-03 15:27:20
1.   joejoejoe
Tim McCarver. He died the day he opined "the last thing the Yankees need here is a Grand Slam" when the team was trying to rally from a large deficit. His point was that grandslams were rally killers because they stopped offensive momentum. Lost in his logic was they also provided maximum offensive value. Tim McCarver, patron saint of the five-run home run.
2006-02-03 15:29:43
2.   D4P
Why are "People who complain about Danys Baez" on notice?
2006-02-03 15:36:22
3.   Bob Timmermann
I have a low tolerance for hearing the same argument over and over and over and over.
2006-02-03 15:39:22
4.   D4P
Fair enough, but you should at least put Danys and Lance on notice as well...
2006-02-03 15:43:05
5.   Bob Timmermann
They can be on your list. The list only has so many slots.
2006-02-03 15:49:18
6.   Sam DC
Joe Morgan "on notice" -- you have a big, big heart Mr. Timmermann.

I didn't start out this way, but after the whole DePo "you're in you're out" farce, the McCourts are "on notice" for me.

The person who have me whatever horrible ailment has me in bed would also make my list, but I'm worried it's someone I love.

2006-02-03 16:00:19
7.   Steve
D4P, the story here is that I am not on Bob's Dead to Me list. That is actually progress.
2006-02-03 16:26:29
8.   Bob Timmermann
Only very special people can get on the Dead To Me list.
2006-02-03 16:38:33
9.   unmoderated
it was rodney peete's poor showing in the squid/octopus throwing contest, wasn't it?
2006-02-03 16:40:22
10.   Bob Timmermann

Nah, UCLA alum.

2006-02-03 17:30:32
11.   Ken Arneson
Dead to me: spammers and trolls.
2006-02-03 17:36:38
12.   grandcosmo
Dead to Me:
teams that use black as a third color
the second left handed specialist in the bullpen
Jay Mariotti's baseball columns
Karl Malden

On Notice:
the Ichiro for the Hall of Fame movement
visa problems
the Italian national team in the WBC

2006-02-03 17:46:14
13.   D4P
On Notice:

Posters who don't use number tabs (you know who you are...)

2006-02-03 19:23:39
14.   Andrew Shimmin
Dead to me:
Bob's list is good, but substitute Irish writers for brussel sprouts. Maybe if, in my youth, brussel sprouts had been forced on me, instead of Irish writers, this wouldn't be necessary. But it is. Your dad was drunk, and the nuns were mean to you? I've heard this story before, I think.

On notice:
People who are on tv. All of them.

2006-02-04 10:19:35
15.   Linkmeister
14 Yikes! Irish writers? A broad statement indeed, laddie! Flannery O'Connor? Frank McCourt (the Angela's Ashes one)? The Book of Kells?

It's all about Joyce with you, innit?

2006-02-04 10:24:07
16.   Bob Timmermann
What about America's finest Irish-American author alive today: Jay McInerney!
2006-02-05 13:05:05
17.   Andrew Shimmin
15- I don't like McCourt, either. I probably shouldn't have read 'Tis, first, since it's the other one that people really like. But I wash my hands of him. Flannery O'Connor I've not given a chance. But, yes, it's mostly a Joyce thing. People say that Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man isn't all written in baby-talk. That, at some point, he stops with that. But not soon enough.

I don't consider C.S. Lewis an Irish writer, the same way I don't consider Saul Bellow a Canadian one.

2006-02-05 14:02:42
18.   Vishal
after all is said and done, jim tracy is merely "on notice"??
2006-02-05 14:06:20
19.   D4P
Good point. What can Tracy possibly do at this point to become dead to Bob? If he isn't dead yet, he never will be.
2006-02-05 14:36:47
20.   Sushirabbit
I don't like the McCourt's either. (ha! writers or owners) Still, maybe you could just say crappy Irish writers, as there are some worth hangin' on to...

Dead to me:
White Sox broadcasters
MLB umpires (look no further than this past post season)
WWF (commercials during baseball!)
TurboTax (support?)
people talking on cell phones while driving

On Notice:
people talking on cell phones in general
Joe Morgan
my neighbors (for letting squirrels live in their attics and giving them the validation that it's OK to do so-- and a nice place to procreate)
Unknown on caller ID
co-workers that never brush their teeth

2006-02-05 17:57:16
21.   Brendan
Dead to me:
Bob's list is good, but substitute Irish writers for brussel sprouts. Maybe if, in my youth, brussel sprouts had been forced on me, instead of Irish writers, this wouldn't be necessary

Your parents had you on a strange diet.

Dead to me:

William F Buckley Jr
Reggie Jackson
Ty Willingham
Detroit Pistons (past and future)
Jim Tracy
Jody Reed/Delino/Don Stanhouse/Dave Goltz/Terry Fat Tub of Goo/Jack Clark etc.

On Notice;
paper boy
winter olympics
Blocked calls( unknown call I give the benefit of the doubt)
C. Izturis

2006-02-05 19:53:48
22.   Andrew Shimmin
Addition to my On Notice list:

Brendan, for making me think of A Modest Proposal. Just you watch it, Buster.

2006-02-05 20:12:05
23.   JJoeScott
Dead to me:
Hee-Seop Choi
Good Day L.A.
Matt LeBlanc
Howard Stern
Kenny Rogers, the baseball pitcher

On notice:
Paul McCartney
Garret Anderson
J.J. Abrams
Phil Hendrie
Jose Cruz, Jr.
Thom Brennaman
Kenny Rogers, the casino pitcher

2006-02-05 20:19:26
24.   D4P
Dead to me:
JJoeScott for Hee Seop Choi being dead to him
2006-02-05 20:29:15
25.   Andrew Shimmin
Dead to me:
D4P for failing to possesive-ize Hee Seop Choi in his declaring JJoeScott dead to him. 24 should read, "JJoeScott for Hee Seop Choi's being dead to him."

I just hope Bob never makes a thread of toaster commenters he'd like to see shot.

2006-02-05 20:33:40
26.   D4P
Dead to me:
Possessive-izing Hee Seop Choi

On notice:
Andrew Shimmin

2006-02-05 20:43:53
27.   Cliff Corcoran
To me something can only truly be dead to you if it somehow betrayed your affections for it, thus . . .

Dead to Me:

*George Lucas
*Eddie Van Halen
*CBS's 12:35-1:35 time slot
*The Pro Bowl
*Bernie Williams the ballplayer

On Notice:

*Disney (recently promoted from the Dead to Me list due to a recent visit to Orlando)
*My fiancee's cat
*Burger King
*Joe Torre
*South Park
*The All-Star Game
*Bubba Crosby

That'll do for starters.

2006-02-05 20:46:05
28.   Brendan

Duly noted.

2006-02-05 20:58:46
29.   Bob Timmermann
I'm glad someone else has run in to problem with Turbo Tax. I had a "scheduled" call from them Monday night and they stood me up!

However I got sent an email followup to rate the quality of help.

I gave it a low score.

2006-02-06 04:11:13
30.   D4P
I gave it a low score.

Hell hath no fury like a Timmermann scorned.

2006-02-06 09:08:45
31.   Mark
My personal Threatdown:

5. Activist NFL Referees who wish to legislate from the field.
4. Human-animal hybrids getting signed to multi-year contracts.
3. Venezuelan players coming to the WBC and not bringing gigantic barrels of oil with them.
2. Bears, from Chicago.

and my number one threat...

1. Exporting quality major league at bats to Korea.

2006-02-06 09:37:51
32.   Bob Timmermann
Tip of the hat to 30

Wag of the finger to 7

2006-05-09 14:39:45
33.   Humma Kavula
I am surprised that the MTA is merely on notice and not dead to you. How much incompetence and wasted money is required to get dead?
2006-05-09 14:46:42
34.   Bob Timmermann
My last ride on the MTA was pretty smooth.
2006-05-09 14:50:15
35.   Sam DC
No hockey?
2006-05-09 15:05:41
36.   Jacob L
34 But did he ever return?

Sorry about that.

Dead to me -
Terry Mulholland
Juan Samuel

On Notice
Dodger Blues
Gilmore Girls

12 Karl Malden?? What did he do?

2006-05-09 15:08:06
37.   Bob Timmermann
You don't want to go down the Karl Malden path with 12. Take my word for it.
2006-05-09 15:26:55
38.   Ken Arneson
Funny, I never would have even thought to consider the remotest possibility of having it cross my mind to list Flannery O'Connor as an Irish writer until it was mentioned in 15.

I've read all her stories, but it's like I never once even looked at the name before.

2006-05-09 15:33:33
39.   jasonungar05
Dead To Me:

President Logan

On Notice:

Magnets that erase tapes.

2006-05-09 15:37:41
40.   rabid stan
I always thought the On Notice list came first.

On Notice:

Thunder Stix
Athletes who do Sports Center commercials
Motorcycle enthusiasts
Teams from the Pacific Northwest
Anyone who orders fruit on pizza
Local News anchors
People who own hairless pets
Flourescent lights

Dead to me:

Anyone associated with the '97 or '03 Marlins
The Sun Belt
People who complicate handshakes
Our Love
The History Channel

2006-05-09 15:40:53
41.   rabid stan

Also Dead to me:

People who know how to spell "fluorescent"

2006-05-09 16:11:26
42.   graciebarn
Dead to everyone:

Score Bard

2006-05-09 16:28:44
43.   Ryan Wilkins
You know, rabid stan, tomatoes are technically fruit. Does that mean that everyone who gets a pizza from Zachary's or Pizzera Uno is on notice?

Because, frankly, I'd rather be on notice than never eat at Zachary's again.

And just to pile on...

* People who reference "Office Space" too much
* Saturday Night Live
* David Chase
* People who jam up Ticketmaster at 10 a.m. when I'm trying to get Radiohead tickets

* People who didn't watch "Arrested Development"
* Jason Kendall
* Christopher Hitchens
* iPod battery life

2006-05-09 16:37:54
44.   Humma Kavula
People who complicate handshakes

This is probably not what you meant, but when I left my last job, I shook my boss's hand. It was the first time I'd ever shaken his hand. Rather than pump up-and-down, like most people do, he moved our clenched hands from side-to-side. I'm more of an up-and-down guy myself, which meant that our handshake went around in a big counter-clockwise circle.

It's up-and-down, guy! You're on notice.

2006-05-09 16:39:05
45.   FirstMohican
Why the disdain for MTA? You've got to be pretty terrible to be on the same list as Jim Tracy.
2006-05-09 16:46:50
46.   Ken Arneson
42 He's not dead. He's just pinin' for the fiords.
2006-05-09 16:46:59
47.   Bob Timmermann
There was a day when I was commuting home from work and at the first station, I had to buy a ticket and I had enough change to pay the $1.25 fare, but it wouldn't take any of my dimes, so I had to pay with a bill and I only had a $20. So I got back 18 Sackies and three quarters.

Then at the next station, I had to buy another $1.25 ticket (the MTA here doesn't have transfers and I'm cheap enough that I will save 50 cents and buy two separate tickets). So I figure I will use the Sackies to pay the $1.25. But the machine won't take Sackies. So I had to use ANOTHER $20. I went home with 36 of them. I must have added 10 lbs to my weight.

2006-05-09 16:54:54
48.   DXMachina
On notice:
* Red Sox Nation
* Folks who try to guilt me into buying fluorescent lights
* Gary Sheffield

Dead to me:
* Whomever it was that traded Mike Piazza FOR Gary Sheffield
* People who don't use the serial comma
* Aaron Echolls
* Scott Erickson
* My boss

2006-05-09 17:22:31
49.   Steve
2006-05-09 17:50:21
50.   rabid stan
43 Ok. You're no better than somebody who would nitpick "flourescent", and you know what those people are to me.

I posted "fruit", but I was thinking pineapple.

Show/Hide Comments 51-100
2006-05-09 18:02:56
51.   Voxter
My dead to me list has exactly one thing on it:

Alex Gonzalez (the Red Sox one) and the Yankees are on notice.

2006-05-09 18:19:14
52.   Bob Timmermann
I think you should just say "pineapple" then.
2006-05-10 14:52:59
53.   Marty
I get the hatred for Brussells sprouts, even though I love them. But pitted fruits? Peaches are my favorite.
2006-05-10 17:01:15
54.   Bob Timmermann
I hate peaches. They are Satan's fruit!
2006-05-10 21:19:02
55.   Andrew Shimmin
I don't like peaches either; even in a pie, they're only tolerable. But what about avocados? And cherries?
2006-05-11 08:46:55
56.   dagwich
I can't believe the hate for peaches, of all things. And I gather that it is not the pit itself but the actual fruit that is the problem? I love peaches and each them raw,in pies, in ice cream, in lots of ways. Of course I live very near Peach Country.

Now the olive pit that broke my crown....I hate that pit. It cost me a lot of money.

And what is the problem with Frank McCourt (the writer)? I enjoyed both his books, but I got a little peeved when his book reading cost $5 if you didn't buy the book.

2006-05-11 18:13:54
57.   Marty
I have two peach trees in my back yard that produce amazing peaches. My dogs love them too.
2006-05-12 00:51:50
58.   Andrew Shimmin
Well, that settles it, doesn't it? Peaches: fit for dogs.

56- McCourt has a new(ish) one called Teacher Man. I didn't read it, but I listened to the first couple hours. If I hadn't been on a plane (and, had the plane not been full) I wouldn't have been able to stifle the urge to shout, "Suck it up! Be a man!" As it was, I only just did stifle it.

2006-05-12 15:21:02
59.   Bob Timmermann
When you eat a peach, there is a possibility of one's teeth meeting the pit.

That cannot stand.

And the fuzz! Don't get me started on the fuzz!

2006-05-15 10:41:50
60.   dagwich
Teeth meeting the pit: that possibility exists for many foods, like the aforementioned olives. Why pick on peaches? Oh, the fuzz.

I mean, if you get a peach at dead-ripe, it is fantastic. Most of the ones in stores are so unripe and hard they could substitute for baseballs, and after a week of ripening, they are likely to be rotten. Try getting a ripe peach from a fruit stand. Rub it like a pitcher rubbing down a baseball to get the fuzz off. Eat it with mindfulness so to not bite down on the pit. Wipe that peach juice off your chin and enjoy.

Now fruits that I can really understand either loving or hating: persimmon and durian.

Teacher Man: I could see where that could get tedious. I think he said all he needed to on that with 'Tis. I really thought Angela's Ashes was an amazing book...

2006-05-28 20:49:09
61.   capdodger
So Bob.... Why GWU?
2006-06-01 01:20:43
62.   overkill94
I never knew there was such a place to rant so unabashedly.

Dead to me:
Joe Morgan the announcer
Barry Bonds the homo-sapien
Linkin Park
AT&T's now extinct cell phone service
People who don't know how to park on the street properly (yes I live in LA and have to park a car on the street)
People who stay in the lane that they know is about to merge into another lane, thus screwing over all the people who did the right thing and merged earlier (yes I drive on the freeways a lot)
The movie Fargo and all the people that call it a classic
Rex Hudler (the only thing worse than the traffic about living in LA)

On Notice:

That's all I got

2006-06-01 17:18:57
63.   Marty
The Rockies are now dead to me.
2006-06-11 09:35:16
64.   Ravenscar
The X-Men movie franchise is dead to me.
2006-06-12 08:21:20
65.   capdodger
On Notice:
2006-06-15 21:29:35
66.   Greg Brock
Dead to Me:
Message bracelets
Bumper stickers
Tony LaRussa
Alternate uniforms
Undershirts that turn out to be v-necks
Calls to bullpen/kickoffs/game summaries brought to me by somebody
Coupons/checks in the express lane
The 405
Necklaces on men
Jack Clark
Tom Niedenfur
People wanting to give me a great deal on my mortgage.
Lee Hamilton
Catcher hockey helmets
Dusty Baker

On Notice:
Romantic comedies
Middle Relievers
James Woods
Mother's/Father's/Hallmark Holidays
Kevin Costner
Karl Dorrell
Psychological thrillers
Tom Lasorda
Crafty veterans
Eric Gagne's ulnar nerve
People who say "My Bad"
Jon Favreau

Whew, I feel so much better now.

2006-06-30 06:00:19
67.   dagwich
Bob, you'll be happy to know it is peach season here in NC. Shall I send you a peck?
2006-07-06 12:35:12
68.   Bob Timmermann
Peaches! Satan's fruit!
2006-07-22 09:11:32
69.   Marty
The peach season in California is going to be late and short, so Bob has that going for him!
2006-07-26 09:19:25
70.   Robert Daeley
Dead to me: that link to the Colbert Nation lists. ;)

2006-07-26 09:26:42
71.   Eric Enders
Dead to Me:

Jim Edmonds
Network television
Odalis Perez
Super 8 Motels
People who pile on Barry Bonds

On notice:
The San Diego Padres
Barry Bonds

2006-07-26 09:42:32
72.   dianagramr
Dead to Me:
John Sterling
Michael Kay
Joe Morgan
Odalis Perez
Sidney Ponson
Tiered pricing of seats based on opponent
Bud Selig
Terrell Owens

On notice:
Steve Phillips
Stupid people

2006-07-26 09:44:59
73.   unmoderated
Dead to me:

Cold Pizza (the show)
Bobby Murcer (the announcer)
Book Club editions
Trix cereal
Mother Goose & Grimm
Taylor Hicks

On notice:

Adult Swim
Linen suits
the price of a custom wedding cake
Ken Rosenthal
Buster Olney

2006-07-26 09:51:44
74.   Kayaker7
Just came back from Target. Check writers go on the "Dead" list.
2006-07-26 10:51:40
75.   Sliced Bread
Dead To Me:

Analyzing Alex
Trade rumors
My electric bill

On Notice:
Andy "Underdog" Phillips (snap out of it, take steroids, do something)

2006-07-26 10:55:23
76.   Cliff Corcoran
Updating 27:

Dead to Me:

*George Lucas
*Eddie Van Halen
*Colter Bean's chances of sticking with the Yankees
*The Pro Bowl
*Bernie Williams the ballplayer

On Notice:

*My fiancee's cat
*Burger King
*Joe Torre
*South Park
*The All-Star Game
*My hair

Bubba Crosby wasn't really worthy of such an honor and I've actually come to enjoy Craig Ferguson's show (though I'll only watch it if Conan is in reruns or has a guest I can't stand). I have, however, completely given up on making a case for the best minor league relief pitcher in Yankee history and my hairline and hairstyle are becoming increasingly discordant, much to my dismay.

2006-07-26 11:01:39
77.   graciebarn
I can finally cross off 42, excellent number though it is.
2006-07-26 11:02:20
78.   Bob Timmermann
The barber and I had to have a "talk" about my hairline and haircut the last time I was in.
2006-07-26 12:17:58
80.   Voxter

Dead to Me
The Italian National Football Side
. . . by extension, Zinedine Zidane
Daniel Cabrera
Julian Tavarez
Steve Phillips

On Notice
New York Sun
White Sox fans
Everything Ned Colletti

2006-07-31 12:17:58
81.   JJoeScott
New ones ...

Dead to me
Baseball Toaster posters who question whether Paul DePodesta would be making the same moves as Ned Coletti
Lindsay Lohan
Curt Schilling's grit and determination

On Notice
Danica Patrick
Scot Shields
Countdown tickers on ESPN
Suri Cruise

2006-08-16 11:14:20
82.   Cliff Corcoran
76 Gotta update my list:

Dead to Me:

*George Lucas
*Eddie Van Halen
*Colter Bean's chances of sticking with the Yankees
*Robin Williams
*Bernie Williams the ballplayer

On Notice:

*My fiancee's cat
*Burger King
*Joe Torre
*South Park
*The All-Star Game
*Steve Martin

The Pro-Bowl is so dead to me it's not even on the dead to me list any more, instead I've added Robin Williams. I can't even remember why I ever thought he was funny. I think it was Mork and Mindy. Now that he's reduced to things like RV it's officially over between us. I remember why I found Steve Martin funny, and Shopgirl made me believe there's still hope, but after he not only made that terrible Parenthood rip off with Bonnie Hunt, but then made the sequel as well he's lucky he's only on notice.

2006-08-29 00:42:34
83.   confucius
Dead to me:
blue ink
my space
re modeling
the entire NL East
part time employment
ford motor company
hand pounds
game shows

On Notice:
chocolate milk
Owen and Luke Wilson (I can only look past so much)
the eight planet milky way
hatchers hackers
Action movies
alternate uniforms (thanks Bob for mentioming teams that don't wear gray on the road)

2006-09-07 22:47:18
84.   confucius
I forgot a big one.

Dead to me:
The National Football League

2006-09-12 09:43:12
85.   mehmattski
I think its time I weighed in (make that 12:30, also known as Lunch Time, also known as Nothing Better to do Time):

On Notice:
Emo kids
David Americo Ortiz Arias
The Sac Bunt
NBA age limits
The National League
Peyton Manning
Andy Roddick
Family Guy

Dead To Me:
Adam Loewen
Adam Sandler
Owners who don't use their revenue sharing money
Pearl Jam
Barry Bonds
Cable News Networks
Head on (apply directly to the forehead!)

2006-10-29 13:26:54
86.   Greg Brock
Karl Dorrell is dead to me.

The otherwise great Dan Guererro is on notice.

2007-07-10 22:03:52
87.   Andrew Shimmin
Dead to me:

Tony "If he wants to get upset, he can get upset" La Russa.

2007-07-12 10:15:57
88.   ToyCannon
Who knew this existed.
Dead to me:
*Self absorbed teachers who complain about their salaries in the middle of summer while enjoying a 10 week vacation to people who only get 2 weeks off a year and still make less then whining teachers.
*Cito Gaston for 87 reminding me why
*Clayton Kershaw for making me look like a chump at the futures game after I spent two days extolling his virtues to Giant fans.
* Rick Monday who has destroyed what used to be one of my favorite pastimes.
2007-10-24 14:46:48
89.   Kevin Lewis
people who do not press the button at a cross walk when they have been there long before you.
2007-11-15 22:11:08
90.   Eric Stephen
88 Rick Monday who has destroyed what used to be one of my favorite pastimes

Flag burning or running onto the field? :)

2008-03-20 19:10:41
91.   Andrew Shimmin
Dead to me: The white guy who isn't Kevin Love.
2008-04-30 16:26:56
92.   godvls
How about the University of Arizona.....not just the football fans. And Lute Olson. I've always respected him, but he's completely lost his mind. I actually feel a bit sorry for him.
2008-05-08 18:53:49
93.   Andrew Shimmin
Dead to me: News stories about the Olympic torch

On Notice: The Olympic torch (seriously, is there anything stupider than bringing a torch to the top of Mt. Everett?)

2008-05-08 18:56:42
94.   Andrew Shimmin
Bill Weir, too.
2008-05-08 19:03:48
95.   Andrew Shimmin
Who's son in law is he, anyway? And who the hell is signing off on his expense reports? "Great piece on people who press the elevator call button more than once. And I agree, being in Hawaii at the time was integral to the story. Really tied it together, I thought."
2008-05-08 19:04:36
96.   Andrew Shimmin
Well. I can't get that one back. Who's, indeed.

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