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Hair on the chinny-chin chin
2005-06-09 12:15
by Alex Ciepley

I'm a fan of facial hair. More specifically, I like a good goatee. I sport one myself, and tend to find myself inexplicably drawn to the online dating profiles of dudes with the face rug.

But not all goatees are created equally.

Baseball seems to be a breeding ground for inappropriate hairdos, beards, and mustaches, but it also provides ample examples of the good, bad, and ugly when it comes to the art of goateeing.

For example...

The Jeff Bagwell

Bagwell has an interesting take on the goatee: he swings between no mustache to a slight one, but compensates with a huge bushel of hair below his mouth.

What does Jeff Bagwell's face really look like? I have no idea. All we see is hair, hair, hair. He's a Wookie who sticks his ass out before bombing home runs.

The Matt Clement

This is the Bagwell approach taken to an extreme. A real ugly extreme. Is it really any surprise that Clement was always unlucky in the win column while with the Cubs? He'd tried to actualize the Billy Goat curse by morphing himself into the damning creature.

On the other hand, in case you thought emphasizing the lower goatee was unseemly, there is a historical figure that easily proves that too-much-bottom-hair is still infinitely more appealing than the inverse...

The Goose Gossage

So it's not really a goatee. But it's not really a mustache, either, trickling down (way too) far beyond the lower lips. It's heinous. And a good reminder that the '70s really weren't all that cool.

There are, of course, more conventional goatees, which are evenly distributed, if in varying degrees of fullness.

The Ken Caminiti

Poor Caminiti lived large, and this was true even of his facial hair. He was big, brawny, and hairy, and his goatee was a jungle. This is appealing to many people. If not to fans of the Cubs, then certainly to fans of the Bears.

The Brad Ausmus

It worked for George Clooney on ER, and enabled George Michael to score with lots of hot chicks... oh... wait...

The stubbletee is an obvious attempt to up your sex appeal. It can certainly work the trick, but only up to a point. Lemme tell ya, no one likes to make out with stubble.

The Derrek Lee

Derrek Lee is perfect. He is perfect at hitting home runs, perfect at scooping up wide throws to first, and perfect when it comes to grooming his goatee. Not too long, not too stubbly, well-defined edges. Derrek Lee is perfect.

There are plenty of additional examples of goatee accoutrement throughout baseball--The Eric "Devil's Apprentice" Gagne, The Joe "Goatee Interrupted" Nathan, The Ryan "Soul Patch" Church--but those listed above are a good enough start.

As for me and my facial trimmings...

I'm stuck in a desert somewhere between The Derrek Lee and The Ken Caminiti. I'm too lazyboned to keep up the Lee stylings, but not quite butch enough to pull off the Caminiti. I suppose, though, I can take some small comfort in knowing I'll never be caught in the never-neverland of The Matt Clement. I'm not that hung up on the Billy Goat curse.

2005-06-09 22:43:21
1.   Joe
I think Trot Nixon is trying to bring back The Gossage.

I'm surpised you didn't bring up The Dustin Hermanson. Tragic!

With a little work, Alex, I think you can get yours like The Geoff Jenkins.

2005-06-10 07:15:22
2.   Ben

Don't forget the unfortunate few, myself included, who can grow a Matt Clement or a mustache, but no hair to connect the two. We are a strange breed, I get my lineage from a mix of oddly hairless Belgian men, and very hairy jewish new yorkers. This also accounts for no hair on my chest, and lots of hair on my calves, but that's another story entirely...

2005-06-10 08:51:38
3.   ChemSteve

Although I can't remember the actual intricacies of his 'face-rug', the first person who popped into my head when I saw your picture was...Kerry Wood.

2005-06-10 13:44:42
4.   Jiraiya
Ditto on the also reminds me somehow of Kiefer Southerland, somehow.
2005-06-12 05:13:26
5.   Mr Brandweer
Been there (AM THERE!) done that.
Yes I have hair on my chinny - chin - chin
for 40 years now (smile)
GO THE DISTANCE!................Play Ball!
2005-06-13 09:08:26
6.   Scott Long
I've went with the stubble look around the time of Don Johnson and George Michael and have continued with it off and on for 20 years. I've had the goatee, but my chick prefers the stubble, so I guess some like to make out with stubbly dudes, though I'm sure I would agree with your assesssment personally.

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